"What?" you ask, "We were promised more epic blogging and you're giving us a rant to a tuna company?"
Yes, I am. I didn't have anything else to post about this month, and while I'm sure I'll find something cool in the future to talk about, for now, it's tuna. Also, this is meant to be funny, this isn't a genuine complaint letter.
Starkist,
Let me begin by saying that, as a child, I loved the instant tuna packs for any quick and easy meal. As I grew up, I relied more and more on something that required little to no effort to make and I didn't have to use a stove for. In the recent years, however, some changes have been made to the instant tuna packs that made them become less convenient than they had been during my childhood. Here's a list of complaints:
1. Why in the magical ass-fuck would you change the mayo packaging? It was easy enough to open to begin with, but with the change in the container the mayo is in, I have to use scissors now. I'm a lazy American and I demand to not have to use scissors!
2. Who thought sweet relish was a good idea? Every time I've ever had any kind of pickle product on tuna, it has always been dill. You know why? Because unlike sweet relish, it doesn't taste like something Satan's anus would unleash after a bad night of Mexican food. Sweet relish has been the bane of human existence for as long as I can remember. But do I ever see dill relish in a tuna pack? No. What the fuck?
3. Every time I have a tuna pack, it creates enough trash to build a small shanty out of. As if America's trash problem wasn't bad enough, imagine millions of people eating these things. Eventually, we're going to have to take all trash on Earth and launch it into space like in Futurama, only instead of doing it in a year a couple centuries from now, we'll have to do it in the next couple fucking months.
4.The already-mixed-for-you-you-lazy-fuck packs always have the sweet relish in them. That's right, I hate sweet relish enough to bitch about it twice. And again, this complaint wouldn't even be in the list for starters had you just used dill relish. Want to make the already mixed packs better? Then don't add any relish at all. I'd be perfectly content with no relish because that would mean it wouldn't have sweet relish in it. Want to just mix mayo? Kickass, that'll do just fucking fine.
5. Every time I open a tuna pack, all my pets stare at me in anticipation with what can easily be mistaken for bloodlust. I just want to eat my goddamn tuna in peace without a small zoo crawling up my ass asking for tuna. It's my fucking tuna, I rejected the sweet relish myself! Seriously!
These are a few suggestions I give that would make the instant tuna packs much better. While I have no doubt you'll ever see this letter, I'm still going to put myself through hell and back for 6 crackers covered in tuna.
Sincerely,
Hannah Foster
