An Open Letter to Starkist

"What?" you ask, "We were promised more epic blogging and you're giving us a rant to a tuna company?"

   Yes, I am. I didn't have anything else to post about this month, and while I'm sure I'll find something cool in the future to talk about, for now, it's tuna. Also, this is meant to be funny, this isn't a genuine complaint letter.


    Starkist,

Let me begin by saying that, as a child, I loved the instant tuna packs for any quick and easy meal. As I grew up, I relied more and more on something that required little to no effort to make and I didn't have to use a stove for. In the recent years, however, some changes have been made to the instant tuna packs that made them become less convenient than they had been during my childhood. Here's a list of complaints:

1. Why in the magical ass-fuck would you change the mayo packaging? It was easy enough to open to begin with, but with the change in the container the mayo is in, I have to use scissors now. I'm a lazy American and I demand to not have to use scissors!

2. Who thought sweet relish was a good idea? Every time I've ever had any kind of pickle product on tuna, it has always been dill. You know why? Because unlike sweet relish, it doesn't taste like something Satan's anus would unleash after a bad night of Mexican food. Sweet relish has been the bane of human existence for as long as I can remember. But do I ever see dill relish in a tuna pack? No. What the fuck?

3. Every time I have a tuna pack, it creates enough trash to build a small shanty out of. As if America's trash problem wasn't bad enough, imagine millions of people eating these things. Eventually, we're going to have to take all trash on Earth and launch it into space like in Futurama, only instead of doing it in a year a couple centuries from now, we'll have to do it in the next couple fucking months.

4.The already-mixed-for-you-you-lazy-fuck packs always have the sweet relish in them. That's right, I hate sweet relish enough to bitch about it twice. And again, this complaint wouldn't even be in the list for starters had you just used dill relish. Want to make the already mixed packs better? Then don't add any relish at all. I'd be perfectly content with no relish because that would mean it wouldn't have sweet relish in it. Want to just mix mayo? Kickass, that'll do just fucking fine.

5. Every time I open a tuna pack, all my pets stare at me in anticipation with what can easily be mistaken for bloodlust. I just want to eat my goddamn tuna in peace without a small zoo crawling up my ass asking for tuna. It's my fucking tuna, I rejected the sweet relish myself! Seriously!


These are a few suggestions I give that would make the instant tuna packs much better. While I have no doubt you'll ever see this letter, I'm still going to put myself through hell and back for 6 crackers covered in tuna.

                                                               Sincerely,
                                                                    Hannah Foster

Things Have Changed.

A few years ago, I made some smart-ass comment on something and my father thought it would be a good idea for me to start a blog. I objected with the reason "I'm just going to totally forget about it and it'll slowly fade into the realm of the Internet known as the 'Never gets updated ever' Zone." I was right. I haven't posted anything on this site for about 2 and a half years. Fine job, Dad. I told you. Anyway, following recent events in my life I gave several thoughts of restarting the blog with a new look, a new vibe and more cool stuff I haven't quite figured out what to do with just yet. In the future, posts aren't just going to be me bitching about stuff or just short stories I don't finish, it's going to be posts about things affecting society on a social scale. Basically, I'm not going to bitch as often as I used to, although I may still bitch here and there because bitching is in human nature. So, wish me luck on my latest endeavor, or the blog may very well return to the "Never Updated" Zone.

Protests on Wall Street

Recently, some protests have sprung up around Wall Street telling information about corporate greed and other issues this country has faced. Hundreds have been arrested because of the demonstrations and so I figured I'd put my view up here. I fully support the demonstrators. If we are going to treat the Corporations as individuals then let's start by making arrests for thievery, not for speaking out against a wrong that is keeping our nation from moving forward. We the people have the right to free speech. Where in the Bill of Rights does it say "Corporate greed is the way to go"? Nowhere in the one they taught us about in school. If we don't stop corporations from feeding off of us like leeches, then who will?

Supersonic Psychofish VS. The Target Corperation

Today I discovered Target has begun backing a homophobic candidate, which has sparked contraversy, boycotts, and Facebook pages against Target. I figured I would join them for two reasons: One, This planet isn't going anywhere if we're going to continue to discriminate against people for who they are, and two, I'm lesbian. So from this day forward untill Target decides to change its decision, I'm not walking into any Target store or buying anything from Target. Everything I would get at Target is availible at other stores. If you would like to join the boycott I encourage you. Hopefully Target will change its decision, if not, they will get less buisness.

Changes

As I'm sure you are aware there were some minor changes to my site. Recently my nickname Dr. Sad had died after it had not been used by peers after some time. I came up with another nickname (Supersonic Psychofish) which seemed far more random and more fitting after a lift in my overall mood which made Dr. Sad seem more pessimistic than I've been. So although some may miss the old nickname, it is a sign that an overall two year depression has lifted, and I am glad that the ordeal is over.

funnyjunk.com must die!

    Today I learned that a comedic website by the address of funnyjunk.com has been stealing work from other websites and getting money by placing ads on them, while not giving credit to the original publishers. While they did not take anything from my site, they have taken work off a site that me and my brother have become fans of other the last few months. The Oatmeal (theoatmeal.com) has had several of its posts plagiarised by notfunnyjunk, and so have plenty of now pissed off publishers that have had their websites ripped off. The Oatmeal has sent a Cease and Desist to notfunnyjunk.ass and they have responded by childish name calling. So to The Oatmeal; hang in there guy(s) (I don't know how many people run the site, maybe just one but you know) and to the notfunnyjunk person/people: I think I'll let you know what I really think by letting myself stoop to your level. You are a fuck-retarded syphilis infected bag of amputated genitals from both genders that is only posting other people's work because you're pissed off that you can't get laid. So shut your fucking mouths instead of being a bunch of assholes who didn't earn a single bit of the money you made from other people's work. So you can go fuck yourselves since nobody else will.

                          Dead Instinct

               By Hannah “Dr. Sad” Foster

         The doctor was sitting at the desk looking at the formula scrawled on the small slit of paper. This was supposed to be the chemical compound that would restore the zombies to their former human selves. All the subjects had been cured only for a short while but became irate after three days. It only restored higher brain function at an alarming rate. The cure had failed, and now it had been taken by the government and mass-produced as a gas. While they were taking it the doctor tried telling them their plan wasn't going to work, but they didn't listen. He had received and e-mail from them explaining how there were only a few days before they would engulf the countryside with the gas. He desperately tried to warn them against it. He looked at the computer screen when he received a reply to his pleas. "You’re delusional. We tested it two days ago on one of the monsters, and they're doing fine. Don't worry, we have the situation under control." they weren't going to listen. Everyone was doomed. He walked over to a cabinet with different wines, whiskeys and bourbon. At least when they came for him he would be too drunk to care.

      "Die motherfucker!" the man with the green jacket yelled as he pointed the .44 magnum at the zombie girls head and pulled the trigger. With a loud blast the head vanished in a mahogany spray of blood, skin, brain and bone. He shot her at point-blank range. Three of the zombies suddenly became increasingly sadistic and tore the woman next to the man to pieces. The man yelled as he dropped the gun and tried to pry the undead off his wife, but they wouldn't let go. Finally they lost interest in the torn up corpse and began to flee. The man picked up his gun and began to fire rapidly at the escaping walking-dead but they all got out of sight, and he has yet to find them in the dark woods.

         "Uuuuunnngghhh" The cold woman said. She was tired and her husband next to her knew that they couldn't keep running forever. "Gguurrgh" he replied and they collapsed under a tree, and dosed off. They were woken up by people laughing loudly somewhere nearby. The rest of the cold ones had wandered off while they were asleep. They got up and followed the sound to a couple who looked like they were cold but they smelled like the warm. They were pale and thin. The man was scruffy with a black tank top and a torn up pair of jeans with a pair of converse that had once been black but had turned brown with dirt and age. The woman had on the same outfit the man had except her tank top was blue. The cold ones were becoming hungry again. They walked slowly to the warm ones that looked like cold ones when they noticed a strange smell in the air. It was bittersweet and musky, and when they got closer they saw the blue pipe sitting on the ground next to the warm scented ones who had seemed to have fallen asleep. The cold ones got closer and the woman opened her eyes. "Jerry look! They look sick!" she said. The smell in the air became intoxicating. "We should lay off the grass," the man answered "'Cuz I don't see anything" he finished. "Open your eyes Jer." she said. He opened his eyes. "Whoa they are sick, want some pot?" he asked. "nuuurrrrgghk" the cold man replied falling on Jerry and biting into his neck. The woman instantly became sober and tried to get up and get away but the cold woman caught her, tearing off a chunk of her shoulder in her teeth. The woman screamed a high-pitched, ear shattering scream. Then she didn't scream anymore, and everything was silent, until there was a mechanism flying above them, and 3 foot tall canisters were thrown from it. They hit the ground with heavy thuds and rolled. Shortly after they exploded in a sudden flurry of yellowish gas. It was, for some odd reason, pleasing to the cold ones. They breathed deep and there was a sudden chill in the back of their skulls. Suddenly, everything began to make sense.

  "We are all so hungry but the warm ones keep fighting. You would think hunting would be fun but when you just have your teeth and your hands and they have shotguns chainsaws and shit like that the thoughts just not as fun. But we have to eat. They killed my daughter, I'll fucking slaughter the green jacket jackass with the gun that shot her in the head. She only became cold a few weeks ago. Now she can't move anymore..."

  "They can only shoot so many of us at once. Are there other cold ones we can travel with? We can find food faster if we have a bigger group. I think that's what the warm ones have been doing. We should find more cold ones." the cold man thought. "Hwhuuurrgh" he said to the cold woman. They began to wander toward a city nearby. They didn't know if there were warm ones in the city but it looked familiar to the cold woman. "juuurrrh" she said. It seems familiar because the city was where she turned cold around three months ago. They saw a burning car with nobody inside. Then the bullets came and everything went black.

Men with Surgical masks with bright lights appeared and they started digging sharp metal things into the cold ones' skin. "Wrrraaaarrgh!" they cried in pain. The warm ones didn't treat cold ones like human anymore. They didn't treat them like living things either. Long weeks went by and the torment continued. Eventually the cold woman stopped moving forever and she didn't open her eyes anymore. She wasn't coming back. Ever. The cold man knew he had to get out as soon as he could. He sees the warm man with a surgical mask come nearer. And nearer. And soon, he comes too near and the cold man rips out his lung. "Son of a bitch!" the warm man squeals out in vain. The cold man breaks out of his restrains and tears the warm man apart in an epic fashion and they fall to the floor limply as the cold man has his first meal in weeks. He's free now; all he needs to do is find the way out. He wanders through halls with doors on either side with signs that to his astonishment he is able to read. He can remember what sounds the letters are supposed to make when said. "Examination" the nearest door is labeled. He tries to say it himself but his tongue is too limp. "Esaminasuuu..." is all he can mutter. He pushes the door and it opens, while a horrid smell is emitting from the room. And lying there on the metal table is the remains of the cold woman. "Wiiii...we...ewen...” She didn't respond. "rrrrrgh...RRRRRGH... RRRAAARRggH!!" now the cold man will stop at nothing to brutally slaughter every last warm one he sees until the entire planet exists only to house the cold ones. He sees a bright green neon sign nearby with an arrow that says "exit" and heads for it. "Stay right where you are motherfucker!" there's a warm one with a gun behind him. "Or die and burn!" he warm one has a cold wretched bloodlust in his eyes. "We’re... Aready...dead...” the cold man says. And runs straight for the man with a gun. "If this kills me at least I'll be with Wendy again…" the cold man thought to himself. ”At least I'll be with her..."

 The doctor looked at the screen:  

Days since outbreak 358

Zombie population: 45,287, 842 and rising

Project evaluation: FAILURE

Status: Terminated

Execute command EX425?

      Y/N

      Y

Self destruct initiating...

4:59.... 4:58.... 4:57....... 3:56.......

2:35........ 1:27....... 0:25......